for my husband

Every day that goes by is a day that we're closer to goodbye. You would think after all these years I would get use to being apart but how do you get use to being without the person you love the most. My heart breaks every time I think about missing him. I want him to be there to hold my hand during car rides. I want to feel his warmth when I'm falling asleep at night. I want him there to make me laugh when I'm having a bad day. I want to hear the laughter from the girls because daddy is chasing them. I want his voice to be the last thing I hear every day. I want his reassurance when I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I want him to kiss me, hug me, and tell me he loves me when I'm crying because I miss him so much. I know he second guesses himself all the time but he's my match in every way. He's the ying to my yang. He's the perfect father to our girls. He's my husband in every sense of the word. I'm so lucky, blessed, and happy to have him in my life. So in 6 days I will kiss, hug, and touch him for the last time in 4 months. When I reach for his hand, crawl into bed, hear the girls laugh, or sit alone, I will think of him.

I love you... those are the best words to describe how I feel about him. I look forward to the day I see his jet land, him walk off the plane, and I'm running into his arms. Until then, his letters, voice, and pictures will be enough.

seriously

Well yesterday was very interesting. The girls were in the car, Chris was getting some last minute things in the house, I was crossing in front of the car in the garage to get in (usually I go behind). I went to move Chris' golf clubs out of the way and I guess I clipped an old rim that we had and it fell on my right foot. I didn't know what fell until I looked down to pick it up. When I did I was instantly pouring blood. We were suppose to be heading to Memphis, instead we rushed to the hospital. After a couple hours of x-rays and inspections of my wound. They told me I broke my foot, needed stitches, and a tetanus shot. The only thing I could think about is how am I suppose to Kaylee to swimming lessons, how is Ava going to get to physical therapy, how can I cook, carry a laundry basket, give the girls a bath, grocery shop, run errands, and drive after Chris leaves for Iraq. I was sobbing when I hurt my foot because of the pain. But once the doctor told me I couldn't drive I started to cry because I was so concerned about how I would manage doing the necessities. Its hard enough for me to use the crutches to go to the bathroom. Well I will find out this week after I see the orthopedic surgeon on whether or not I'll need surgery because the bone is slightly misaligned. And now I'm going to wrap my leg in a plastic bag so I could take a shower. Luckily we have a built in seat in our shower. Haha

story of my life

Busy is an understatement. I was under the impression that once Kaylee was out of school we would spend our days by the pool, riding bikes, having picnics, and just enjoying some quality time at home. I'm laughing hysterically at myself to think that was possible. We've spent every weekend in Memphis so far. The girls and I also stayed in Memphis last week to prepare for Kaylee's birthday party. She had an amazing time and after months of begging for a Nintendo DS, we got it for her. She also made a request to sit in a booster seat because she's 5 and a real big girl. After holding her back this long we gave in and got her a booster seat. The craziest part is Kaylee got a Coach purse from my parents. SERIOUSLY! I told them they are crazy, crazy I say! We just got back to Little Rock Sunday night. We are now back in Memphis to have dinner with Chris' family because his younger brother is leaving Thursday for the Navy. Then we go back after dinner. This weekend is my friend's birthday party in Memphis. Next week Thursday I have to come back for a New Kids on the Block concert. Haha you read it right. I feel like a kid again. Then we're going to the family cabin for the 4th of July weekend. Then the weekend after that we're in Memphis for my best friend Kellie's birthday. Then the weekend after that Chris and I are going to St. Louis for a Cardinals game, Six Flags, and Cheesecake Factory. Haha. Then Chris will be busy prepping for deployment. I have to register for my classes this fall. And at some point during this process we have to squeeze in some quality time with the girls, Chris, and I before he deploys. I'm a busy woman. If you want some time with me then call ahead and I'll pencil you in. Be forwarned, I'm booked months in advance. Haha.

kaylee lara whitten

The school year is ending. Kaylee had her Pre-K graduation and it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. She wore the cap and gown, sang songs, and received a diploma. She has changed so much this past school year. She can count to 100, write her numbers, read, and she draws every day. It has been hard to be without her all day. I couldn't wait for the last day of school. But as the day approaches and all her things from school are being sent home, I'm feeling really sad. My guess is because it's the end of something so precious. Its hard to imagine I will only get to spend every moment with her for the next 2 months and she's off to school again. She's grown so much and I feel like I've missed a good part of that because of her growth during school. I'm not teaching her to say mama, holding her hands while she learns to walk, showing her colors... now I'm sitting back as she comes home and tells me all the new things I had no idea she knew. This wednesday is her last day. It's also June. She will turn 5 on the 20th. Five years have gone by and it feels like yesterday we were bringing her home for the first time. Kaylee is so smart, sweet, intuitive, eager to learn, caring, kind-hearted, and loving. She is soft spoken with a tender heart. It's so easy to shower her with affection. She's my baby, my first baby. I always thought 5 years was so far away, kindergarten is no where near the future. And now here we are... time flies and I'm enjoying every minute of it.

(I went into the hospital for high blood pressure. My water broke while I was there. She was 2 weeks early so we weren't prepared. Our camera was at home. So her first picture was in her car seat right when we arrived home.)

Father's Day - June 20, 2004 - 10:47am - 5lbs 14oz - 19in.

kenny chesney, vegas, newlyweds, and weddings

The highlight of my year, maybe my life (besides my husband and children) was seeing Kenny Chesney in concert. We tried to see him in concert almost 5 years ago in Spokane, Washington. But I was admitted into the hospital that very night and gave birth to Kaylee the next day. I've been a KC fan longer than I can remember. Five years go by and he hasn't once came to a town we were living in. Finally, my patience has paid off. Chris, Brian, Trisha, and I got tickets in the 15th row and they were awesome seats. But when I got up to get a beer during the opening acts a guy approached me and offered us tickets to the sandbar. Which is the area at the stage. I was literally right against the stage and looking up at him. It was the best concert I've been to so far and I doubt anything will top it. Lady Antebellum and Miranda Lambert were awesome as well.

Vegas... Chris is a lucky guy. He left this morning at 3am for Vegas. Its for work so thats the downside but he gets to go to vegas, sleep, eat, and play for free. I wish I could have gone with him. Neither of us have been so it would have been nice to experience it together. But I know he's in it to gamble and I am in it to watch shows and shop. Oh and eat the buffets. He does travel a lot and its getting harder to do since I know that time is minimal before he leaves in August. Its fairly easy to drop him off to work for his short TDY's but for some reason this time was hard. I cried when he left but I didn't let him see. I know he has a hard time leaving us so I didn't want to worry him.

So newlyweds... this story is a trip. I was watching Grey's Anatomy season finale and saw a preview for a show called Here Come The Newlyweds. To my surprise my cousin and her husband are on the show. It totally tripped me out because I've heard nothing of it. Her parents are coming to visit for Memorial Day Weekend and I called my dad to tell him about the show. He laughed and said he knew a long time ago. I guess while they were filming. I scoffed and said he should have told me because I would have hassled her earlier to see if they won. Haha.

Wedding and love is in the air and I am loving it. Dave and Tina are getting married this weekend. My cousin Katherine is getting married in November and I'm lucky to be a bridesmaid. I just wish I was closer to her so I could help her with anything she needed. But even more awesome, my best friend Christina just got engaged. They have been together for almost 10 years and it will be quite a change to call them husband and wife. I am so happy for her!

date night, girls night, pot holes, and fever

We spent last weekend in Memphis. Surprise surprise. Chris and I ended up having a date night on Friday which isn't typical but well needed. I love spending time with our friends and rarely pass on an opportunity to be with them but it is nice to be alone with my husband every now and again. Especially with August around the corner, we need more nights alone. Hopefully we'll be heading to St. Louis soon for a Cardinals game and a weekend away.

Saturday night was spent with some great girls. I went to Tina's bridal shower. I can't express how excited that her and Dave are getting married. I've been friends with David for more than a decade and its so nice to see him with such a great girl. I'm a sucker for weddings and love them. Even better, I'm not a bridesmaid or the bride. So I get to be stress free and watch two people say their vows then have myself a drink at the reception. Haha. Well after the shower Tina, Kellie, Trisha, and I took Tina to a bar for a couple of drinks. It was such a blast. I definitely can't get enough time with my girlfriends. I'm lucky to have such good ones. Just wish I could have seen a couple more girlfriends that I missed this weekend.

We left Sunday night and 10 minutes into our drive we hit a huge pot hole. We saw a couple cars pulled over afterwards with blown tires. We were concerned so we kept checking our tire pressure gauge. It would go down then go back up. We got home thankfully. But the rim was bent pretty bad and was causing a slow leak. We had to order a new rim and that was $400. Price gouging is ridiculous. I'm just glad we were all ok.

Sunday night was also the start of Ava's fever. That was the only symptom she had but she was pretty miserable. Last night was the worst. She got up to 104 degrees. I gave her Tylenol then put her in a luke warm bath. But because she was so hot the bath felt cold to her. She screamed and cried. I felt so bad. But I dried her off and put her into bed with me. Today she woke up like nothing happened. The fever broke and I guess she's all better. Only now my throat hurts... story of my life. haha.

just me and the girls

Chris left for Talladega on Thursday. I spent the next few days after that entertaining them and spending some quality time with my girls. It feels like we're always on the go so it was nice to be alone with them for four days. On Saturday I took them shopping, then to lunch, and to a movie that night. We saw Coraline on base and they loved it. On Sunday I got Kaylee a new bike and I took the girls out to ride for a bit. Then we washed the car and as I vacuumed it out I let them go to town with the hose. Needless to say they were drenched by the time we went back in. I can't remember the last time I went into a weekend with no plans and just did whatever. Tomorrow Kaylee has a field trip to the Jump Zone. I'm so excited because I actually have a chance to chaperone. Chris has a night flight so he's on Ava-sitting duties while I go. The school year is coming to an end and I definitely can't wait!!

military wife

You would think that growing up with a father who was in the Navy for 30 years would prepare me for the life style I live now. But nothing can quite prepare you for all the sacrifices and heartbreak a wife has to endure. Chris' first deployment came after we were married for a year. It was difficult because I was in a risky pregnancy and I wasn't capable of doing much. Thankfully my parents took care of me for the 3 months until he returned. I still missed him like crazy. I cried every night. My heart literally ached because I was without him. Since then we've only experienced being separated for a couple months at most. It was easier those times because he was in the states for training and we could talk every day and all day unless he was in class. But this deployment will be different. He is scheduled to leave in August for 4 months. Surprisingly I'm hoping he goes to Iraq. Iraq is more established and is actually safer. Phone calls and emails to each other might not be every day but more frequently if he were there. The other scenario is Afghanistan. He's not quite sure how Afghanistan will be but its more difficult flying because of the mountains, canyons, etc. We spoke to a friend who got back from Iraq in February and said the bombings and raids have significantly dropped since last year. His safety is my number one concern. Secondly, its my girls. They are too young to understand why daddy will have to be gone so long and why they can't talk to him every day. I don't want them to be disappointed. I don't want to see their hearts break. They love their daddy and miss him when he's on a long flight. I can't imagine how it will be for them to not see him for 4 months. And I can't even think about myself. To sleep in an empty bed every night. Wake up, take care of my girls, and experience things with them that he can't be a part of. Its times like these I want to pack up, get out, and go back home. But I support my husband and I commend him for his strength. We were in college when 9/11 happened. I remember Chris, Brian, and myself standing in the university center and watching the TV's. It was then Chris and Brian jokingly said they would join the military and kick some ass. At the end of that semester Chris didn't register for the next term. He joined the Air Force. When he went to Qatar it wasn't enough for him. Qatar aided the war, but it wasn't the war. He did recruiting and hated it. He said he felt like he wasn't really in the military sitting behind a desk. He wanted to matter, he wanted to leave, he wanted a job that meant more to him. As much as I rag about his job consuming so much time... how do you not love a man who has such integrity and ambition. He wouldn't be the man that I love if he wasn't volunteering to go. And so we enjoy the next few months before he leaves. Atleast he'll be home for Christmas.

2000-2009

I was browsing through some folders on our computer and I came across the pictures we used in our slideshow that was playing on the tv's during our reception. I thought I would share. Hopefully you find it as amusing as I do.

optimistic

Two weeks ago I took Ava to the doctor. My aunt brought to my attention that Ava should not be toe walking at the age of 3. She was diagnosed with a short achilles tendon. The first step is physical therapy. We went for an evaluation a week ago and the therapist said she also needs work on balance and other skills. Ava is now going to physical therapy twice a week. The therapist said they ideally like their dorsiflexion to be 20 degrees. Ava has 12 degrees on her right foot and 10 degrees on her left. Hearing that made me extremely concerned. However, her therapist said she feels very comfortable the therapy will work but also gives no promises. We will continue therapy for 6 weeks and reevaluate. If therapy doesn't work the next step is braces for her legs. And the final straw if that doesn't work is surgery. I'm praying it doesn't have to go to that extent.

I've racked my brain and questioned what happened. I'm so grateful to my aunt because I'm not educated about that aspect and I would have never thought to question her toe walking. I should have paid more attention when she was born. Ava was born a month early but was a healthy 6lbs 9oz. We were so happy that her lungs were good and we could take her home. From our joy I might have overlooked the one thing they questioned about her preterm birth. They had said her feet seemed underdeveloped. How that is possible, I have no idea. How they noticed, still I have no idea. But it does make me wonder if thats why her tendon is too short or if its just a coincidence. All this aside, Ava is a smart child. She is learning and growing every day.

We just took her 3 year portraits and in one photo we encouraged her to tip toe. Haha, our little ballerina.

call me crazy

Rule number 1, never buy a man a video game. As usual I go to the store and seriously stock the girls up on toys and goodies for their easter basket. Me being the best wife that I am, decided to make Chris a basket too. Of course I buy a super cute basket that I can reuse as decor. So I fill his with the I Am Legend DVD, a football, Recess bunny rabbit, a huge bar of Mr. Goodbar, fart putty (yes, I said fart putty), and... Tiger Woods 2009 for the WII. He played it all day till we had to leave for Easter dinner at a friends. As he played he cursed and yelled at the game because he says its cheating. I laugh out loud, literally. If this is a preview of whats to come, I'm crazy. So far our WII games are group preferred games. But I show no interest in golf, so I'm assuming he'll hog the WII and I will now have to pry him away when we have things to do. But the girls had an awesome Easter. I love it, it's like a mini-Christmas. They get toys and treats but it comes from the Bunny instead of Santa. hehe

vacation to-do list

Call me crazy, we might have too many lined up. Our goal for this summer alone is San Antonio in June for Kaylee's 5th birthday. A trip to St. Louis in July. A trip to the cabin atleast once this summer, maybe twice if we're lucky. Then we're going back to Jacksonville for my cousin's wedding in November. And I'm trying to set us up on a Disney cruise in December. I swear when it comes to money all I want to do is save. We're sitting pretty on some good savings. Do I really want to dip into it for a cruise? My answer... yes. Life is about living and I fully intend to take advantage of every moment I can do that. And maybe if I'm spoiled enough I can convince Chris to take me to the Bahamas next year. I swear, its the good life.

busy bee

So the problem with vacations are they always leave you itching for another. We're moved into our home. Weird, weird, weird... its really our home. Our names on the mortgage. Its a nice feeling except making that first mortgage payment. Hah. We left for vacation and have returned. It was so nice seeing Disney World through the girls perspective. Last time I was there I was a nagging teenager who was forced to go by my parents. They had the times of their lives which made the trip a success. We visited my brother's family. It was so nice to spend time with my niece and nephew. Not to mention seeing my amazing cousins. And Chris got me the best present ever. A Louis Vuitton bag, which I've always wanted but never thought I would get. Just a icky feeling knowing it costs more than our mortgage. So needless to say, Chris said I can't buy a purse for the next five years. Haha. Well now that we're back and 90% unpacked I thought we'd get a chance to relax. Not quite the case. We have something planned every weekend from now until June. All good things though. Our good friends David and Tina are getting married next month so we have showers and bachelor/ette parties to attend before then. Crawfish festival, Talladega, and Kenny Chesney. All fun stuff, but I definitely can't wait till June so we can sit and relax. Especially since Kaylee will be on summer break. This past year has been so different. Its great to see her going to school and interacting with other children but I've missed spending my days with her. We're going to soak up the summer and I'm going to enjoy every second before the school year starts again.

bittersweet memories

Today I went to Party City to buy Ava's birthday supplies. It was quite a task as she has now formed an opinion to what she wants. Just last year I took full reign on planning her party and now she is dominating the choices, picking decorations, candles, napkins, goody bag toys. I decided to do Tinkerbell and dress her up as Tinkerbell. But she refused and Princess Aurora it was. Arguing with a child on a party theme isn't quite worth her yelling at me. Haha. I'm all for picking my battles. But all this made me realize that my baby is no longer a baby. It feels as if I just gave birth to her. The memories are so vivid in my mind and it's hard to imagine that 3 years have already passed. Its sad to know that time flies and life is consuming so its sometimes hard to sit back and appreciate the little moments. But its amazing to watch her grow, learn, and explore. So today I sit back and wallow in those little moments. 

seriously... its the good life

My grandpa and uncles are always in my thoughts. But I'm going to focus on the good lemons I'm making lemonade with. We're buying a house. The T's are crossed and I's are dotted. All the terms of the contract have been fulfilled so now we're just waiting to close on the house and it will officially be ours. I have 2 weeks to get all my ducks in a row. And by ducks, I mean, paint colors, decor, and packing of course. I'm nervous but I'm getting more excited and more comfortable with the idea. We sold all our furniture, I mean all. We're currently sleeping on just a mattress. We're using an air mattress as our sofa and eating dinner on the floor, picnic style. Haha. Furniture shopping felt like Christmas. Chris left me choose everything. He completely handed me free reign and I'm loving it. But I'm still trying to persuade him into getting me new appliances. I doubt I'll swing that vote since we already spent a stupid amount on furniture. But I do pride myself on the 50% off decor items I've been getting at Hobby Lobby. Haha. I'm ready to be moved in and settled.

3 weeks. Only 3 weeks till we have our family vacation. We went to San Antonio in 2007. We nixed our family vacation last year because the wedding and honeymoon. So this family vacay is long overdue. I'm extremely excited to take the girls somewhere warm for a whole week of quality time. No work, no school, no sign of the hustle and bustle life we live. We're taking them to Atlanta and Orlando. Their first Disney experience. I can't wait. Not to mention, Mommy gets to visit the Louis and Gucci store. And Daddy gets to have fun spoiling his 3 girls. Someone help him if we have a 3rd daughter. Haha. I joke, he'll get some good quality golf time with my brother.

Although life always has its pitfalls, I'm blessed to have my family and lucky to have my best friends who I can rely on.

in with the good, out with the bad

Lately I've had a lot of pent up emotions and haven't been very verbal about it. I've attempted to blog on myspace but before I can hit post, I always delete. So a specific blog spot is worth a shot. (I totally just rhymed). Six people I know, 3 of which are good friends of mine, are currently pregnant. I'm overjoyed for them. Having a baby is always a wonderful experience. But I can't help but question if its going to happen for me. So here's my official story. May 2007 I went to the ob/gyn because I thought I had an ectopic pregnancy. They did an ultrasound to check but found cysts on both my ovaries instead. They also found some scar tissue which made Dr. Baten question if I had an underlying problem. He told me about Endometriosis. Easy terms, its pretty much scar tissue/adhesions that grow and spread. There is no cure. It progressively gets worse because it feeds off your hormones. The only way to stop the growth is to stop your period. He told me he had to do surgery in order to take a biopsy to determine if it was Endo and if it was then what stage. He did the surgery and the results confirmed I had Endo. Its located on my uterus, ovaries, lower cavity, and colon. They burned off the tissue and fixed my organs that were fused together. The burning is a temporary fix. It gave me a good year, but after that the growth is where it was before the surgery. Afterwards I developed an infection. I battled the infection for a month and was given 4 different antibiotics, all of which I was allergic to. Eventually I was hospitalized for 3 days with continuous antibiotics pumping through my IV. After it was all said and done I learned that wasn't the hardest news to take. Dr. Baten told me I had stage 2 Endometriosis. Which isn't too bad. There are 4 stages. But because of its locations it posed certain issues. Pain and fertility being 2 specific issues. He told me if I wanted anymore children I should have them as soon as possible then have a hysterectomy. Avalyn was one and we were not ready to have another. Then again, we weren't willing to say she was our last child. His exact words to me were "I doubt you'll get pregnant without some form of fertility assistance". I'm very hopeful. I keep telling myself that I had our girls and it might have been a struggle but the point is, I did get pregnant. Then again, I'm not naive, its almost been 2 years since the surgery and I know the Endo is worse. I can feel how bad its gotten. The pain is unbearable. So I'm fully aware that it might not happen or it can take a very long time to happen. I've just been so negative with this issue that I'm ready to let the bad out and welcome some good energy in my life. And Candice, you are my good energy. From day 1 you have been understanding, forthcoming with advice, and encouraging. It's so nice to have a friend who knows exactly how I feel.

But to continue the bad for a second. I'm peeved at the moment. I shall not name names. I'm not ignorant. I can spot a lie when I see one. Yes, Endo can be presumed through other methods. No, it 100% cannot be diagnosed without surgery. You have to have the surgery to do a biopsy on the tissue if you want a diagnosis. Your "new test" through a vaginal examination is a joke. You would think Endometriosis.org would advertise such test if it was less invasive. And diagnosing a stage through this vaginal exam is impossible. Advertising you know what if feels like to live with the disease is an awful story to parade around. I wake up some mornings and I can't move because the pain. So to presume that you know what that feels like makes me want to resort to high school behavior and just be bitchy about it. I may sound petty for that but to lie about having it as a sympathy ploy is plain heartless for those of us who actually live with it.

I feel so much better having got that off my chest.