in with the good, out with the bad

Lately I've had a lot of pent up emotions and haven't been very verbal about it. I've attempted to blog on myspace but before I can hit post, I always delete. So a specific blog spot is worth a shot. (I totally just rhymed). Six people I know, 3 of which are good friends of mine, are currently pregnant. I'm overjoyed for them. Having a baby is always a wonderful experience. But I can't help but question if its going to happen for me. So here's my official story. May 2007 I went to the ob/gyn because I thought I had an ectopic pregnancy. They did an ultrasound to check but found cysts on both my ovaries instead. They also found some scar tissue which made Dr. Baten question if I had an underlying problem. He told me about Endometriosis. Easy terms, its pretty much scar tissue/adhesions that grow and spread. There is no cure. It progressively gets worse because it feeds off your hormones. The only way to stop the growth is to stop your period. He told me he had to do surgery in order to take a biopsy to determine if it was Endo and if it was then what stage. He did the surgery and the results confirmed I had Endo. Its located on my uterus, ovaries, lower cavity, and colon. They burned off the tissue and fixed my organs that were fused together. The burning is a temporary fix. It gave me a good year, but after that the growth is where it was before the surgery. Afterwards I developed an infection. I battled the infection for a month and was given 4 different antibiotics, all of which I was allergic to. Eventually I was hospitalized for 3 days with continuous antibiotics pumping through my IV. After it was all said and done I learned that wasn't the hardest news to take. Dr. Baten told me I had stage 2 Endometriosis. Which isn't too bad. There are 4 stages. But because of its locations it posed certain issues. Pain and fertility being 2 specific issues. He told me if I wanted anymore children I should have them as soon as possible then have a hysterectomy. Avalyn was one and we were not ready to have another. Then again, we weren't willing to say she was our last child. His exact words to me were "I doubt you'll get pregnant without some form of fertility assistance". I'm very hopeful. I keep telling myself that I had our girls and it might have been a struggle but the point is, I did get pregnant. Then again, I'm not naive, its almost been 2 years since the surgery and I know the Endo is worse. I can feel how bad its gotten. The pain is unbearable. So I'm fully aware that it might not happen or it can take a very long time to happen. I've just been so negative with this issue that I'm ready to let the bad out and welcome some good energy in my life. And Candice, you are my good energy. From day 1 you have been understanding, forthcoming with advice, and encouraging. It's so nice to have a friend who knows exactly how I feel.

But to continue the bad for a second. I'm peeved at the moment. I shall not name names. I'm not ignorant. I can spot a lie when I see one. Yes, Endo can be presumed through other methods. No, it 100% cannot be diagnosed without surgery. You have to have the surgery to do a biopsy on the tissue if you want a diagnosis. Your "new test" through a vaginal examination is a joke. You would think Endometriosis.org would advertise such test if it was less invasive. And diagnosing a stage through this vaginal exam is impossible. Advertising you know what if feels like to live with the disease is an awful story to parade around. I wake up some mornings and I can't move because the pain. So to presume that you know what that feels like makes me want to resort to high school behavior and just be bitchy about it. I may sound petty for that but to lie about having it as a sympathy ploy is plain heartless for those of us who actually live with it.

I feel so much better having got that off my chest.